Ogres and Bumpkins
by trishathetrashywriter
Summary: Shrek and Fiona are invited to Texas by Donkey's family.
1. Chapter 1

Shrek's POV

"Shrek!" Fiona called out.

"What is it?" I said.

"Come see for yourself!" said Fiona.

I ran into the house, straight to the kitchen.

She showed me a letter with bad writing.

"Oh no..." I said.

Donkey's folks back in Texas had invited us over!


	2. Chapter 2

Donkey's teeth had left a print in the letter.

"Fiona, can you tell them I got sick?" I said.

"Oh, come on, Shrek. It will be fun. You don't want to be like my parents, do you?" said Fiona.

"What?" I said.

"Remember how that look my dad gave you when you drank from the finger bowl?" said Fiona.

"Oh... haha... uh... yeah..." I said, feeling embarrassed.

"Or when you ate an escargot without removing the shell first?" said Fiona.

"It's not the same! Your family is royal. We're just an average, middle-class family," I said.

Next thing I knew we were on the horse and buggy.

"Have fun!" said Pinocchio.

I sighed. Couldn't we leave without our friends having a party for once?


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, this is gonna be fun! We'll pick vegetables and eggs and stay up all night singing and yodeling and roasting marshmallows on the campfire, and in the mornin', I'm making pecan pie! Too bad Dragon has to stay home. The poor thing is going to miss me so much. Heck, I bet she's missing me already!" said Donkey.

Even though Donkey and Dragon were both animals, Dragon was basically Donkey's pet. She was loyal and loving and trusting.

"I can't believe we're going to Texas," I said.

"Oh, lighten up, Shrek. You're going to love it there. It's beautiful!" said Donkey.


	4. Chapter 4

"You know I love Fiona, boss. Right?" said Puss. He leaned over. "But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, a fresh plate of chili, and two weeks of nothing but riding."

"Riding? Don't be ridiculous, Puss. I'm an ogre. I'm not cut out to ride," I said.

"What make you say that? You have ridden before. Do you not remember?"

"I was a human, Puss! An ogre could never ride a horse. The horse's poor legs would collapse under my weight," I said.

"We will find a nice strong horse for you, boss," said Puss.

"A strong horse? Puss, there's no way I could ride a horse. The strongest horse couldn't carry me," I said.

"Very well then, boss. If you say so," said Puss.

I sighed.


	5. Chapter 5

Donkey began to sing.

 _"Home_

 _We're halfway there_

 _Home_

 _Livin' in a prayer_

 _Take my hand_

 _We'll make it I swear_

 _Home..."_

"Donkey, it's not 'home', it's 'woah'," I told him in annoyance.

"Oh..." said Donkey.

"Oh, I know!

 _Oh..._

 _The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon_

 _Little boy blue and the man on the moon_

 _When you coming home, dad? I don't know when_

 _But we'll get together then_

 _You know we're going to have a good time then.."_

"Donkey, you've already sung that one!" I said in annoyance.


	6. Chapter 6

Dragon's POV

I whined sadly.

I wanted to go with Donkey and the gang, I really did.

But they left me here and drove away. I did not understand! Why? Why? Why?

They took me with them for the kids' first birthday.

I was well-behaved. I wanted more than anything to eat everything there, even the people who were annoying Shrek!

It was all I could do to sit still.

Was I being abandoned? No, don't be ridiculous, Dragon. They were gone for days when they went to Far Far Away and they came back.

Still, I missed when Donkey used to toss me ribs and when Fiona used to play fetch with me.

I missed the tummy rubs, and the kisses, and the raspberries.

How could Donkey do this to me? He was my crush! I loved him, and thought he at least respected my feelings! I was a good girl. I was _his_ good girl.


	7. Chapter 7

I lay down on my front and started to daydream.

Just then, a giant metal chain dragon-friendly capture net was dropped on me from above!

My eyes widened.

I looked up and saw a group of witches.

Then a group of animal control officers came holding tranquilizer guns and surrounded me and were breathing heavily. They shot me with a bunch of tranquilizer darts.

I struggled to stay awake, but soon submitted to the tranquilizer.

"Nightly night, dragon," said one of them.


	8. Chapter 8

Donkey's POV

As the horses started to trot, I closed my eyes and began to daydream.

I dreamt that I was in Waffle Heaven. The ground was covered in snow. There was a pancake bed, giant waffle pops, parfaits of all sorts, and a dancing roast turkey.

I smiled and licked my lips.

I walked over the pancake bed and licked the dripping syrup.

"Mmm!" I said. "Tasty!"

Then it started raining Blue Raspberry snow cone syrup.

I took a bite out of the ground. Then another.

I woke up to see that I had bitten Puss in Boots in the rear end.

He hissed at me.

I chuckled nervously.


	9. Chapter 9

As the horses started to trot, I drifted back to sleep. This time I had a flashback to the day I met Dragon.

 _"Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll whip they're butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way their going. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I'll step right here and right there, I'll step all over it." Unbeknownst to me, I had just "poked" the sleeping dragon. I saw its gigantic eyes glare at me, then yelled for help. Shrek saved me but failed to slay the dragon. The dragon inadvertently helped Shrek find Fiona. Meanwhile, I ran onto the stone bridge in an attempt to escape. But the dragon blew away all my routes to survival. It was like no dragon I had ever seen. It was a gay dragon, with long eyelashes and lipstick. What a humiliating way to die- being devoured by a gay dragon! The dragon looked down at me angrily, and I, in my fear, accidentally chipped off a piece of stone. "What large teeth you have!" I remarked. The dragon roared at me. Then I decided to distract the dragon in the best possible way to distract a gay dragon- flattery. "I mean... uh, white sparkly teeth. I know you probably hear this from your food all the time, but, you must bleach or something 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. And you know what else? You know what else? You're... a girl dragon! Oh, I mean, of course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just wreaking with feminine beauty!" The dragon blew a smoke ring at me. I coughed. "I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it will work out you going to be blowing smoke rings in my face..." Then, it picked me up by the tail and carried me away as I yelled for Shrek._


End file.
